Welcome!

Welcome to my new blog! I'm hoping to use this to share the random thoughts that pass though my head and clog things up in there.

Currently I have a few BIG things on my mind...

1. We're trying to get pregnant -- we have been trying for a long time now (2+ years) and have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility -- great. Not even sure what we're up against. We have already gone through 3 IUIs and 2 IVFs. Since our last BFN in April we've been trying to get our lives back to normal and try to not allow TTC to control our every move.

I'm also just starting to be treated for subclinical hypothyroidism (TSH was ranging between 4-6 over the past year) -- I'm now on Levoxyl and my level is down below 1 (!) -- which is where it needs to be to support fertility. AND I've been feeling great -- I feel like I did back in my early twenties (energy, clarity, etc.). I'm AMAZED at how much better I've felt.

We've also just had some additional immunity testing completed (http://www.millenova.com/tests/implantpan.asp) and should get the results back in July. Just to make sure there isn't something going on that we can try to address.

So once we're feeling ready we'll do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) -- I'm guessing we'll be ready to get started in August. If that doesn't work I'm going to consult with a top RE up in NYC to determine next steps.

I'm glad to be out of the phase of HATING my body after our last BFN. It wasn't pretty.

I still am not comfortable with the thought of adoption for us. I have no idea why. A few of my cousins are adopted (from Korea). We adopted a dog. It's "the right thing to do". I guess I feel like we've done everything we're "supposed" to do in life -- study hard, go to a good school, get a good job, don't get knocked up before I'm ready (ha!), find a partner, etc. So I feel that it's so f'in unfair that because someone didn't do those things like they were "supposed" to do then we'd end up with their kid -- and I'd be reminded that someone else "make a mistake". Completely irrational. Very selfish. And also part of me does want my children to look like me and also I desparately want to experience pregnancy. This food baby belly just isn't cutting it. ;) I do watch Adoption Stories while I'm getting ready in the morning and keep thinking that I should consider it...but I just am not there yet.

2. I'm trying to get into shape (but not very hard) -- I put on a few pounds over the first several months after our wedding...and then once we started to TTC the pounds just keep piling on. And it's all a mental thing for me. I know I can/should work out but I find it too easy to come up with excuses (I don't want to interfere with implantation, my ovaries are sore, I have to work late, Barefoot Contessa is on TV, ...). I love doing physical things & being outside -- not crazy about going to the gym. I just have a mental block. This has been a little better with the Levoxyl but I'm still not in a routine yet. I even have a personal trainer all picked out but haven't called yet.

Theoretically I should be going for more walks & spending time moving around with our dog, but she isn't crazy about walks and it's hard to get her all of the exercise she needs just from a walk. So we usually end up going to the dog park and throw the ball around. On weekends we take some nice hikes in nearby parks.

And I can handle eating "healthy" but I can't deal with strict diets anymore -- so that will slow me down (but be better in the long run IMO).

This is probably causes me the biggest angst on a day-to-day basis. What should I wear? Why am I out of breath just going up 2 flights of steps. I don't look anything like our wedding and honeymoon pictures. I don't feel like getting frisky. And yet I feel paralyzed to do much about it.

Argh.

3. What should I be when I grow up? -- I've been in the same field for 10+ years now. And I do really enjoy parts of it -- it's interesting and I get to use my brain every now & then -- AND I'm 1000x time better at it then most other people I work with (yes, I'm competitive). But it's getting old. At first I had a very exciting job with lots of new projects, travel, and great salary. I dabbled in internet startups for a bit. Boom. And then I took a more stable job that could provide better work-life balance -- at least that was the thought to offset the pay cut. :( Well I'm working almost as hard as I did in earlier jobs. Can't decide if that is just me and the way I am regardless of where I am. Or do I just need to make a change.

I did just get a nice promotion and eventually things will calm down a bit (I'm also playing a second role that eats up 150% of my time AND still trying to transition out of my old role). So I'll be happy for a little while. But in the back of my head I still wonder what do I really want to do with my life. Shouldn't I be doing something more meaningful? Or at least enjoyable?

Anyway those are the big things on my mind right now... I do feel better just getting this all down.