"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon
Work is ridiculous right now... :(
So N and I are more than halfway though our detox week now. The soup has become unbearable, the dandelion tea tastes like a$$, the seaweed baths are gross...BUT it has been kinda fun to do something different. AND at this point I'm sooooo excited just to eat normal food next week that I'll be satisfied with just healthy food. (as compared to my horrible eating habits before starting -- cookies or candy *every day*)
And I have an acupuncture/Qi Gong appt tonight!
Oh! (TMI) And I had some crazy CM yesterday and felt something going on with my ovaries...must be getting ready to ovulate!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
This was tough! Especially the books because I don't read very much these days... (even though I'm in a book club -- ooops!)
7 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
1. Travel extensively (there are several aspects to this that I've considered over the years -- visit all 50 states, national parks, every continent, list of my top places -- point is I just want to get out there
2. Get pregnant and have a child (but of course)
3. Live in Italy (countryside)
4. Do something more meaningful (my job indirectly helps people, but I don't walk away feeling that I've made a positive contribution to society or anything like that)
5. Open a wine & gelato bar (maybe expand to paninis & wood-oven pizza)
6. Get my captain's license, buy a nice yacht, and spend many weeks/months exploring the world on it -- might be some financial constraints here ;)
7. Complete a significant physical endurance challenge (I've said run a marathon and hike Kilimanjaro in the past)
7 Things I Can’t Do
1. Have patience (I am the most impatient person that I've met)
2. Balance work & life effectively -- I feel like I'm always pulled in one direction too much
3. Be content with my situation -- I'm always wanting MORE of something (better job, better vacations, etc.) -- am I caught in the rat race?
4. Complete my household chores to my husband's satisfaction (and I've brought down his expectation A LOT over the years) -- it's really just not a priority to me and it causes some friction between us
5. Control my anger at times -- somethings just infuriate me and I overreact
6. Be more understanding of people's faults -- I'm overly critical at times
7. Type without spelling errors or print legibly anymore...
7 Things That Attracted Me To My Partner
1. sweetness & generous nature
3. dimples & smile (they go together)
4. ability to let loose with me & try any of my wild ideas
5. capability of doing anything that he tries / all-around handyman
6. love of spreadsheets, planning, etc. (hee hee)
7. friendly personality -- he gets along with everyone
7 Books I Read Over and Over
Disclaimer: once I've read something I usually don't read it again, but here are some of my favs...
1. Lots of Jane Austen
2. Harry Potter series
3. The Call of the Wild
4. Little Women
5. Bridget Jones books
6. The Count of Monte Cristo
7. Ina Garten cookbooks ;)
7 Movies That I Love
1. Shawshank Redemption
2. Princess Bride
3. Pride & Prejudice (A&E version)
5. Strictly Ballroom
7. Empire of the Sun
Let's see if this works -- I will tag (not quite 7):
@ 7:28 PM
I was making copies of my medical records to send to Millenova for a consult...and apparently I left a copy of my FAX requesting the documents ("please send me my records for my IVFs, blah blah") and also the cover letter from my RE with big fat INFERTILITY on the top...
So it seems that I left those two sheets in the copy room last week...and someone returned them to my desk last night. So they've been in there for a few days. And sooooo many people go in & out of there. How many people saw it before someone put it on my desk?
Can I go home right now!?!? I feel like everyone has to know now...
@ 11:30 AM
Monday, June 26, 2006
The rain this past week has been unreal!
Lots of updates....where should I begin?
First my tea quote:
"Tea was first introduced to Europe in the mid-1600's. By the 1700's it had replaced beer as the beverage choice at breakfast"
Mmmmm....beer. I can definitely go for one right now!
Nick and I are doing a week of detox in preparation for eating healthier. So far it's been pretty tough. The plan is to eat a Chinese barley soup 3x a day (flavored with different herbs each day), drink nasty a$$ dandelion tea, have a few handfuls of snacks, and take some detox baths. So it's almost the end of day 1 and I'm STARVING. Every food that I saw today turned into an instant intense craving -- even Maggie's dog treats looked good - seriously. : We might need some larger size snacks and more water? And I don't know how we're going to handle our party this weekend -- lots of food and drink temptations...
BUT I do feel less bloated...and in some ways enjoying the change. Inertia is a powerful thing.
Maybe because we're changing things up a bit I'm starting to want to cycle again. Not a super strong urge but it doesn't completely scare me anymore. So we now have a slightly more firm plan to cycle again in August (after my work settles down and I've dropped some lbs). I guess that has been the plan for a while, but I'm starting to actually want to do it. ;)
I'm still waiting to get the results from Millenova and also to review my records in more detail... And I'm also thinking about asking my RE to do an endometrial biopsy (http://www.newswise.com/articles/view/520575/) and maybe asking about steriods (Medrol/Dexamethesone) -- not a normal part of his protocols. We'll see...I've been enjoying life without IF constantly on my mind...
I'm also enjoying my sessions with my new acupuncturist. I don't get as good of a personality vibe as my first one, but there are a lot of things that she says/does that I like. AND it's less than a mile from my house. AND I think she'd be flexible with her schedule so we could do sessions before/after the FET.
More random life updates.... Saturday was definitely a hectic day. And Sunday was mostly relaxed...until I took Maggie (our young black lab mix) for a walk at a local trail along a stream. It was a very nice walk - she was her usual energetic self and had her happy face on. There was no one there because the weather was so lousy. It was also very slick.
When we were almost all of the way back to the car, Maggie ran ahead and hopped along the stream bank. For a moment she was out of sight and I heard a loud bang/splash. I quickly made my way up to see what happened. She was running off to the other side of the stream within a few seconds. It looked like a water-logged tree had slipped down a mossy slick rock.
Was she trying to pick up the tree (because bigger really is better when it comes to sticks)? Was she trying to jump over the tree and knocked it down? Did she fall on the tree/rock? I didn't see what happened. :( And after a few minutes of her running around she started to slow down and developed a limp. She got into the car OK but immediately laid down (normally she likes to sit/stand and check out everything). And about 2 seconds before I opened the back hatch it started to POUR rain!! It was so loud banging on the car that it scared her from getting out of the car. Once the rain died down and she calmed down I was able to scoop her out and down to the ground. And her limp was very bad. :(
We debated taking her to an emergency clinic, but she didn't seem to be in pain when she wasn't putting weight on her leg...so we decided to wait until the morning to take her to her vet. (we debated something similar when Nick sprained his ankle a couple of weeks ago)
Since she had a hard time getting up and down stairs we decided to have a family sleepover down in our family room on our sofa bed. :) Wouldn't be so bad except that she got up a few times during the night...and the pounding rain and lightning made it hard to sleep.
This morning we took her to the vet and it seems like it's only a strain or sprain (based on xray). So one week of "quiet" for a pup with lots of energy. This first day she mostly just slept, but we're dreading the end of the week when her energy will be out of control and she won't be allowed to exercise. Our trainer suggested lots & lots of bones...
Great week ahead of us -- crazy lame dog and crazy detox plan.
So I've been (half) joking with Nick for a long time that I want to move to Seattle. He always quipped back about the weather. So last night when it was pouring outside he joked around "I wonder how horrible it is in Seattle". So...we did a side-by-side comparison and every single day this week it's supposed to rain...and every single day this week it's supposed to be clear & sunny in Seattle. HA! ;) I'm still laughing inside about that.
St. Joe is now on duty!! Unfortunately the instructions said that you have to really *believe* in him for it to work. How about I really *want* it work?? Will that count?
But our kitchen update is done so...Sell TH Sell!!!
OK - enough blabbing...I must get some sleep tonight! And go eat some celery! ;)
Oh! I just got tagged for the first time by Serenity -- I'll need to work on that in the morning!! :D
@ 11:03 PM
Friday, June 23, 2006
I quickly scanned through my medical records last night -- it was SOOO interesting to read!! There are a ton of notes about my eggs & the embryos.... Nick loved the comment "great sperm" written by the embryologist. But it did make me wonder about my eggs...they weren't rated very highly -- even on our second cycle which I thought went a lot better...
I'm dying to read through it more but work is nuts today!! I do need to copy it though to bring over to the acupuncturist tomorrow thought...
Tomorrow is hectic - acupuncture, pick up our beef (1/8 of a grass fed cow) somewhere up in MD, dinner/movie, etc.
@ 11:44 AM
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Well after ~6 weeks of waiting my period finally came! Guess that my body is finally getting back to normal (after our failed IVF cycle).
AND Nick already picked up my medical records from my RE today! It was odd because all of a sudden my RE wanted to talk to me about my records. I'm not really sure why... And I saw that he called a couple of times but I was in meetings so I couldn't answer...very odd.
We're celebrating Nick's birthday tonight... :)
Food: Not so good today...pizza for lunch and a bagel for breakfast... I'm partly OK with that because I know that I won't get any of that for a long time once I start the weight loss program...
Exercise: Probably won't do much today...
Mood: good mood -- I just had two big meetings at work this morning and they went well -- I'm really glad that they are over!
@ 2:31 PM
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I have really been enjoying my daily Honest Tea (http://honesttea.com). The message under the lid is usually inspiring and I love that they are so yummy but still not bad for me (low, if any sugar - depending on the flavor).
Some recent messages/quotes that I've enjoyed:
"If you are going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt
"Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the people doing it." Chinese proverb
The first and second one definitely apply to IF for me...and the third one applies to work right now. :)
OH! And my St. Joseph's arrived yesterday - he is very prompt. Let's see if he can sell the TH. We do have a few promising prospects right now -- Nick and I joked about how nice it would be to have a bidding war. HAHAHA! Anyway, we've had a lot of promising prospects before...let's hope that one of these works out! Go St. Joe, Go!
I also just googled the Chinese herbs that the acupuncturist gave me -- I had lots of "Diet Pill" responses. Which I guess I understand that is what it is...but it just makes me think it's a lot like Slimfast or Dexatrim or something. Hmph...not what I was thinking...
My RE finally finished copying my records so DH will pick them up tomorrow! And I also asked to have the Millenova results (immunity, etc.) mailed to me - they said no problem. Cool!
AND I started spotting today. (which is good because this cycle has been way too long)
I also thought I should create a "health diary":
Food: pretty good today except for a few Hershey's minis (HUGE temptation at work)
Exercise: planning to go for a long walk with Maggie tonight, maybe a Yoga DVD if I get out of work anytime soon
Mood: fairly good mood except VERY stressed at work...we had a few critical issues come up my big project today... :(
@ 12:20 PM
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
I had a great quote from my Honest Tea this morning...so good that I saved it in my desk drawer at work...but not good enough that I can remember it now 12 hours later...
Starting off the day with some caffeine in the morning - much better. Avoids a good amount of crankiness. ;)
I am going to fire my eye doctor - well I've asked Nick to fire him. I had a follow up appt today and was frustrated to the point of tears. First he made me wait for ~30 minutes even though he was just hanging out & chatting it up when I got there. Then I had ordered some cute "glare reducing" glasses at my last visit (mostly because they look very funky & cute and I miss wearing glasses after my Lasik surgery). Apparently someone decided to make them magnifying lenses -- which makes them very hard to wear unless you are just reading something close. Which isn't what I asked for - why would they just add that to the order?!? And then the most annoying thing....when I booked the appt I specifically asked (twice) if I'd be able to drive after getting the drops for the eye test. I even asked again just prior to getting the drops. OK - no problem. After my tests were over I could barely see -- very cloudy and blurry. I asked about driving and the doctor said that it should clear up in about 5 minutes. OK... Even with my dark sunglasses it was very painful to make my way out to the car. The afternoon sunlight was shining off of every surface in sight. So I carefully make my way back to my office (probably not wise but I just wanted to get out of there). And can't take my sunglasses off in the office -- I was blinded by my computer screen. So I call the eye doctor's office and ask if that's normal. "Oh no - you should definitely be able to drive - you might need to wear sunglasses though. But you probably can't read for the next couple of hours." That would have been very nice to know -- especially since I asked you about it before even booking the appt!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrr.....so I couldn't get much done at work... :(
But then my day got A LOT better when I went to my appt to start off weight loss program. It's actually a combo of exercise (Qi Gong, meridian exercise), acupuncture, and diet/herbs (TCM). We talked a lot and I had an acupuncture session. It sounds like a good mix of mind & body & spirit to bring me back to balance. And she's going to start working in the fertility aspects once I make a little progress (even gave me some herbs today to try to start my period). So it sounds like it will be a good integrated approach for me. Anyway I'm looking forward to getting started later this week (starts off with a detox). I even came home all happy & frisky. It was definitely a highlight of my week so far!!
@ 10:43 PM
Monday, June 19, 2006
minor updates from this morning...
Caffeine definitely makes me happier. A work/life bearable. :)
I called to schedule an appt with a personal trainer! Milestone! No actual appt yet, BUT phone call has been made!
AND one of the people who saw the TH over the weekend want to look at it again tonight!! (why do I let myself get excited about these things)
And the sky is starting to brighten up a bit...we just had a crazy downpour / dark sky. I love summer thunderstorms! Much much better than summer heat waves.
@ 4:39 PM
I'm feeling pretty down this morning -- maybe PMS? I finally caved and took a HPT when I got up - of course it's negative. I was also running late and missed a couple of minor meetings this morning. And I'm also not looking forward to my GIANT list of "MUST do this TODAY" -- not just a normal "to do" list. So overall I just feel tired and cranky. I'm hoping lunch will make me feel better (notice the comfort eating).
Yesterday was pretty exhausting as well. I can't stand the heat and the sun was blazing. Yuck. We went for a "quick" trip to Lowes that ended up taking up most of our day and zapping up most of our energy. We did order new cabinet doors/drawer fronts so Nick won't have to strip the old ones (PITA). So that was good.
I did order a St. Joseph's "Sell Your House Kit" online (we couldn't find the church store) -- LOL! I'll have to check on fertility statues next!! But of course none of the calls we had about the TH this past weekend panned out (more calls than usual!).
And WTF is with my RE's office -- it's been over a week and they still haven't finished getting my records ready -- OR even calling me about it.
I'm really going to push myself to exercise tonight. AND to call the personal trainer to make an appointment. Exercise will definitely make me feel better...if I can ever get off my a$$ to do it...
Sorry that this is all so depressing -- I just needed to vent.
@ 11:46 AM
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Another frustration right now -- we have been trying to sell our old townhouse for a loooong time. We are currently upgrading the kitchen as a selling point (granite countertops & stn stl appliances)...and we also cleaned up a bit today (how exactly does an empty TH get so dirty so quickly!??!). Anyway, every aspect of this upgrade has been causing us trouble. The microwave is defective. Nick is missing parts to the dishwasher (because the delivery guys threw them away). The delivery guys were supposed to help swap out the fridges and now they say they can't come back until Monday (like they will even show up). And to top it all off....our "doesn't lose suction" Dyson is losing suction -- so I had to wipe down the floors all by hand. :(
Argh. So now I'm convinced that we need to get a St. Joseph's statue to bury in the back yard to help us sell it. ;)
And I'm also still waiting for my period -- I'm over a week late now and know that my body is still all whacked out from our last failed IVF cycle. Wouldn't be so bad except that it makes a tiny part of me think that I'm PG. Why is my body playing mind games with me?!!?
I am excited that we're spending time with friends tonight -- we've been very bad about socializing in the past 6 months...so it'll be good to feel normal again. :)
@ 4:00 PM
Friday, June 16, 2006
I also want to get my Yummy List started!
Vermont Mystic Apple Pie
Tuscan bread from Whole Foods (ask for it sliced)
Challah bread (make French toast with it - yum!)
Italian Store - Philly hard roll
Cosi - Signature Salad
Lemon & Lime seltzer water
Lebanese Taverna - Garlic Sauce & Fatteh Bel Djaje
Total Greek yogurt (even the low fat is sooo creamy & yummy)
Honest Tea (Moroccon Mint)
Jasmine Pearl Oolong Tea
Bobbi Brown Vitamin Face Base
Crystal Deodorant Spray
Lavender Dryer Bags (Trader Joes)
@ 7:19 PM
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Welcome to my new blog! I'm hoping to use this to share the random thoughts that pass though my head and clog things up in there.
Currently I have a few BIG things on my mind...
1. We're trying to get pregnant -- we have been trying for a long time now (2+ years) and have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility -- great. Not even sure what we're up against. We have already gone through 3 IUIs and 2 IVFs. Since our last BFN in April we've been trying to get our lives back to normal and try to not allow TTC to control our every move.
I'm also just starting to be treated for subclinical hypothyroidism (TSH was ranging between 4-6 over the past year) -- I'm now on Levoxyl and my level is down below 1 (!) -- which is where it needs to be to support fertility. AND I've been feeling great -- I feel like I did back in my early twenties (energy, clarity, etc.). I'm AMAZED at how much better I've felt.
We've also just had some additional immunity testing completed (http://www.millenova.com/tests/implantpan.asp) and should get the results back in July. Just to make sure there isn't something going on that we can try to address.
So once we're feeling ready we'll do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) -- I'm guessing we'll be ready to get started in August. If that doesn't work I'm going to consult with a top RE up in NYC to determine next steps.
I'm glad to be out of the phase of HATING my body after our last BFN. It wasn't pretty.
I still am not comfortable with the thought of adoption for us. I have no idea why. A few of my cousins are adopted (from Korea). We adopted a dog. It's "the right thing to do". I guess I feel like we've done everything we're "supposed" to do in life -- study hard, go to a good school, get a good job, don't get knocked up before I'm ready (ha!), find a partner, etc. So I feel that it's so f'in unfair that because someone didn't do those things like they were "supposed" to do then we'd end up with their kid -- and I'd be reminded that someone else "make a mistake". Completely irrational. Very selfish. And also part of me does want my children to look like me and also I desparately want to experience pregnancy. This food baby belly just isn't cutting it. ;) I do watch Adoption Stories while I'm getting ready in the morning and keep thinking that I should consider it...but I just am not there yet.
2. I'm trying to get into shape (but not very hard) -- I put on a few pounds over the first several months after our wedding...and then once we started to TTC the pounds just keep piling on. And it's all a mental thing for me. I know I can/should work out but I find it too easy to come up with excuses (I don't want to interfere with implantation, my ovaries are sore, I have to work late, Barefoot Contessa is on TV, ...). I love doing physical things & being outside -- not crazy about going to the gym. I just have a mental block. This has been a little better with the Levoxyl but I'm still not in a routine yet. I even have a personal trainer all picked out but haven't called yet.
Theoretically I should be going for more walks & spending time moving around with our dog, but she isn't crazy about walks and it's hard to get her all of the exercise she needs just from a walk. So we usually end up going to the dog park and throw the ball around. On weekends we take some nice hikes in nearby parks.
And I can handle eating "healthy" but I can't deal with strict diets anymore -- so that will slow me down (but be better in the long run IMO).
This is probably causes me the biggest angst on a day-to-day basis. What should I wear? Why am I out of breath just going up 2 flights of steps. I don't look anything like our wedding and honeymoon pictures. I don't feel like getting frisky. And yet I feel paralyzed to do much about it.
3. What should I be when I grow up? -- I've been in the same field for 10+ years now. And I do really enjoy parts of it -- it's interesting and I get to use my brain every now & then -- AND I'm 1000x time better at it then most other people I work with (yes, I'm competitive). But it's getting old. At first I had a very exciting job with lots of new projects, travel, and great salary. I dabbled in internet startups for a bit. Boom. And then I took a more stable job that could provide better work-life balance -- at least that was the thought to offset the pay cut. :( Well I'm working almost as hard as I did in earlier jobs. Can't decide if that is just me and the way I am regardless of where I am. Or do I just need to make a change.
I did just get a nice promotion and eventually things will calm down a bit (I'm also playing a second role that eats up 150% of my time AND still trying to transition out of my old role). So I'll be happy for a little while. But in the back of my head I still wonder what do I really want to do with my life. Shouldn't I be doing something more meaningful? Or at least enjoyable?
Anyway those are the big things on my mind right now... I do feel better just getting this all down.
@ 9:39 PM