15dp3dt - beta #2 today + update!

I asked my doctor and he's letting do my next beta today instead of waiting until Friday - phew! I'm not going to hassle the lab company though so I won't be surprised if my results don't get up to NYC until after business hours. So I might not hear until tomorrow.

But I'm feeling much better because my HPTs have been getting much darker. Here are my last three internet cheapies:

11dp3dt - can you even see it anymore?
14dp3dt - finally a nice line
15dp3dt - even darker than yesterday (!)



So I interpret (wishfully) that my hCG is rising. And I'm hoping that today's bloodwork will show that it's doubling nicely. Since my 14dpo beta was 43, I'm hoping that today's bloodwork (18dpo) comes back ~200. I know that the doubling time can take up to 72 hours - putting the low end around 125? It's too early to do math. I'll have to plug it into betabase.info to calculate later. But I'd love a nice big increase.

To help support this thing called hope, I'm going to rationalize the late dark HPT lines and the relatively low 14dpo beta as a late implanter. Most of my frozen embryos didn't become blasts until day-6 - so maybe they're just a bunch of slow pokes. Fashionably late?

*****

Beta was 550 (E2=807; P4=56) so doubling time was only 26.11 hours!!!!! Holy cow!!

And because I have endo they want me to do an early u/s (on Friday!) to confirm that it's not an ectopic. So hopefully we'll see a little black hole in my ute on Friday!!

HOLY COW!!

12dp3dt - thank you

Thank you to everyone for all of your kind thoughts & words. I can't imagine going through all of this without your understanding and advice. And I apologize for being so self-absorbed lately - I'm hoping to get back to some kind of normalcy this week.

On a sadder note, my heart goes out to Lisa - there is absolutely nothing about IF that is fair.

And best wishes to Lola and Mr. & Mrs. Blue Sky with all of their upcoming adventures. Hope that Smarshy has some good news this coming week as well.

Today I'm feeling better about all of this. I had a nice clear line on the FRER test in the morning - definitely reassuring because I could even see it in a dimly-lit room. I'll try a digital tomorrow - my levels should hopefully be high enough tomorrow for those. And I did notice on my old FRER tests that I thought were negative that they did dry with a light line. So maybe there was a line there this whole time that I missed earlier (even though I know you shouldn't read them after 10 min).

I'm feeling congested and exhausted - but happy.

11dp3dt - bloodwork results

It took a few phone calls but the local lab did finally send up the bloodwork before my RE's office shut down today. Phew.

Got the call from the RE literally the second I dropped my pants to POAS -- LOL! I don't seem to have my pants on for most of our important conversations so I guess it shouldn't be that weird. It's extra funny to me because he made a joke to me at my lap that after all of my cycles I shouldn't be modest about dropping my pants in front of anyone. So it just made me laugh.

So the results are (for 11dp3dt / 14dpo):
hCG = 43
E2 = 275
P4 = 45

And the plan is to continue with PIO & E2 patches; next beta is in a week, but I might need to call to ask for an earlier one because I'm still concerned with the faint HPTs (and negative FRERs) and fairly low #s (according to Dr. Google - I didn't think to ask about it on the phone).

I'm partially relieved and partially anxious. Ack!

11dp3dt - not real

This just doesn't seem real - at all. My result lines are still very faint - even as of this morning which is my theoretical "first day of expected period". Maybe this was just a test to see if something could implant - and it did. That alone is very reassuring - I was starting to wonder if my ute was a pit of despair that no embryo could survive for more than a few hours. But at least one has survived for this long - which alone seems like great progress.

I am still in shock about the whole thing and don't really know how to react. I thought that if I ever saw another line I'd be jumping up & down with happiness. But I just don't know how to feel or react. I'm not quite happy. I feel like a fraud - like someone is going to realize that it's all just a big joke and turn me in. I guess I've turned into a pro at IVF/IF and I'm really really good at that. I have no clue where to begin if this is happening. I've been avoiding most things related to this for a long time.

Anyway the sketchy, scary lab down here "forgot" to process in my 2nd luteal bloodwork on Wednesday - nice. It just sat in a bin until yesterday when they realized they never sent it over to the lab. Guess that STAT means forget about it. So we'll see if & when the nurses up in NYC get the bloodwork today. I'll try to stay on top of it, but I'm guessing it won't be very early even if everyone does their job.

In the hope that this is real I made an appt with my endocrinologist for next week to check my TSH and also ordered more PIO/needles/syringes - which I could use for a future cycle if I end up not needing it now.

10dp3dt - thank you CVS

DH went out last night to get another brand because I don't 100% trust the internet cheapies and FRER hasn't shown me what I want to see yet. So generic CVS brand is now my friend - it showed a vertical line within a couple of minutes (PHEW!) and I think it's dark enough to see in a photograph now.

So now we just need to get a decent # at our beta tomorrow and maybe it will seem real? Does it ever?

9dp3dt - continuing to POAS

Last night I got another faint positive from an internet cheapie and a FRER, but this morning the FRER was negative. I've gotten two more positives on the ICs though which were still very light. Probably will try another FRER this evening and buy some other brands tomorrow if the ICs continue to look positive. I have a digital but won't waste it until I'm sure my levels are higher.

I'm just in shock right now. Doesn't feel real - at all. A nice dark line would be reassuring. Along with a beta on Friday to back it up. And then we'll have a whole new set of hurdles to overcome - which would be nice because I'm getting tired of all of this IF business.

8dp3dt - my stomach is flipflopping...

...because I can't tell if this is an evaporation line or not...and I've been staring at it for the past 20 minutes trying to figure out if I'm imagining it or if it's grey (not pink)?

Are you f'ing with me, Mr. Internet Cheapie HPT? I've never ever seen a second line before so that would not be very nice.



I feel dizzy and nauseous.

My acupuncturist also said she felt a strong rolling pulse, which only confirmed my stomach ache last time around, but maybe it does mean something this time?

8dp3dt - plan B

For me I *need* to have a plan B in place before I POAS. It gives me something to focus on and not feel that the world is coming to an end when I see that bright white space staring back at me.

So if this cycle doesn't work out, I am:
1) taking Friday/Saturday off from the world to grieve; drink a bottle or two of nice red wine; maybe share some with DH
2) drinking heavily with friends at the Redskins game on Sunday
3) drinking heavily at the cookie exchange on Monday - hosted by an IVFer with twins
4) doing a detox program with my acupuncturist (sauna, etc.)
5) really *really* getting back in shape - no really!
6) planning out a nice ski trip out West this winter (Utah is our fav - or should we try somewhere new?)
7) planning out our Greece trip (rent villa with DH's family)

and once we can think about IF again:
8) discussing treatment options for endometriosis with my RE - should I do Lupron Depot for a few months? Am I missing the Beta 3 Integrin protein needed for implantation?
9) weighing doing another fresh (#4) vs. FET cycle. My eggs aren't getting any younger.
10) throwing away all of the old needles & IVF supplies that I don't need anymore - I still have every needle that I've ever injected sitting in a collection of sharps containers in our IVF closet (w/mini-fridge and everything!).

7dp3dt - still here

I'm still feeling pretty numb about this whole experience. Went in today for my first luteal bloodwork. I went to a national lab place to get it done. MUCH cheaper than the overpriced RE that I used for the early monitoring visits. But I find this place to be very uncomfortable. Especially when I have to wait in a crowded waiting room for an hour next to a smelly old man. Yuck.

Anyway if I had more energy about all of this I would be on the phone checking to see if the lab actually sent the results up to NYC. I'd give it a 50/50 chance that it happens today. But I don't have the energy so I'll just hope that they get it.

I'm thinking about POAS on Wednesday or Thursday. But this time around I'm way more scared about a BFN so we'll see. Do I really need to find out if it works?

In the mean time I'm going to try to do some Christmas shopping and come up with a "plan B" - which is like a mental cushion for me. Something to land on in case it doesn't work out so I don't crumble to pieces as I hit the floor.

Anyway, I'm really not feeling negative about the cycle. And then again I'm not feeling positive. Just there. Moments of hope & despair, but mostly it's just a lot of nothing. And I'm not complaining about that!

4dp3dt - (un)comfortably numb

Today I was overcome by a feeling of numbness. My eyes are glazed over and I'm just counting down the minutes until I can slip out of work to go home.

Yesterday I started a list of reasons why I should be really excited about this cycle. We made some big changes that will hopefully result in a BFP next Friday. Today this list doesn't seem to matter at all to me. In the end it feels like it's all about luck. You can do everything right and still end up with a BFN. Everything can go wrong and end up with a BFP. So I guess the only question that remains is - are we going to be lucky this time?

Anyway, here is my list of changes we've made for this cycle - not in any particular order:
- endo removed via lap in early November
- endometrial biopsy (study showing that this can help with implantation)
- great IVF program & wonderful RE
- great lab/embryologist
- careful monitoring & adjustments to meds
- new protocol (no Lup.ron; step down approach for stims)
- trigger earlier
- E2 did not drop before ER
- embyros in co-culture
- TSH down near 1 on Lev.oxyl
- longer-term course of acupuncture (since summer)
- acupuncture before transfer (1/2 German protocol)
- TCM herbs for a couple of months prior to stimming
- Med.rol to help with implantation
- omega-3 fish oils
- antioxidants (CoQ10, grape seed extract, Vitamin C)
- E2 patches during luteal phase
- DH on antibiotics
- DH on proceptin (antioxidants)
- embryos looked beautiful - never seen that before
- 4 embryos survived to blast & looked good enough to freeze (at a very picky lab)

this is followed by a dose of reality:
- stress of cycling out of town
- stress of being stuck in Times Square (of all places!) around ET
- even if everything looks "perfect" many, many women don't get PG
- didn't eat as well as I could have - major stress eater
- drank wine a couple times during stims; sucka for red wine
- not in great shape right now - poor circulation? too much E2 from fat cells?
- getting older - are my eggs any good?

So maybe there were too many things floating around my head and something short-circuited up there...but there is a definite stillness. And it's eery.