difficult week

This week has been tough but I am hoping we're going to pull through.

We went to our NT scan on Monday and saw Fish squirming around and looking like a real little baby. He was measuring exactly to date - cool. Since I only had minimal spotting at this point I had assumed that the SCH had gone away. So I asked the doctor at the radiology center if he could still see the remnants of my SCH and he immediately (without zooming in anywhere) said yes. OK...guess it's obvious. He said that because of the shape (crescent) he wouldn't really be able to measure it accurately and in this scenario he typically just would classify it as S-M-L and mine would be an XL. Apparently about 60% of the gestational sac had separated from the uterine wall and that area was filled with blood. It looked like a sac within a sac. Apparently it was so interesting that he had a few people take a look - thanks. Since I thought it was much much smaller last time he also went back to look at my previous u/s and said it was about the same size. And he deferred to my OB for all of my questions. At this point I'm thinking it's not too bad so I'll wait to call the next day so she has a chance to see the u/s report. Went home and checked doppler again. Phew.

On Tuesday morning - at the lovely hour of 6am - I get a call from my dad. My grandmom is in the hospital and isn't doing well - she chose to go on respirator to help with a couple lung issues that she was having. But no need to come up to NJ to see her at that point, but we might need to at some point. OK.

Later in the day I get a call back from the OB and she wants me to see the MFM specialist on Thursday so he can take a look and give his opinion. I asked her if it sounded large to her and she said it is definitely very large and she really can't tell me what is going to happen. They've seen lots of small SCHs and most of them resolve, but she just can't comment on mine. (her whole tone was very negative & annoying) I ask if in the past she's ever seen a positive outcome with such a large SCH. She gave me the run around and then said to wait to talk to the MFM. I ask if it's OK if we need to head up to NJ to see my grandmother and she said that if we have to go that I would need to go to the ER if I started bleeding again. OK - fine.

Another call from my dad - come up to see my grandmother. Ack! So I have to postpone the next u/s to Monday assuming we'd be back in town by then.

By this point I was getting very upset about my grandmother and the OB's comments. When I get home to pack I realize that I've started spotting more (brown). My whole body felt wound up. So I laid down for a bit and got some puppy love. Deep breaths.

We drive up to NJ that night and head over to the hospital after checking into a hotel. My grandmother can't speak because of the respirator but she's alert and acknowledges that we were there. She teared up a bit when we walked in and we spent some time sitting with her. She looked very bloated from the meds and was visibly uncomfortable - apparently hadn't slept in a couple days.

A couple hours later (~1am) the nurse offers to give a mild sedative so she could get some rest. At that point she desperately looked like she needed some rest - and with a squeeze of her hand she confirmed that she wanted the meds. Given that she was going to sleep for the next 4-5 hours we decided to head back to the hotel and get some rest ourselves.

We call in for an update (there was a huge crowd there at all times) and find out that she still hasn't completely woken up and doesn't seen to be very aware. We head over in time to hear the doctor's take on things. She has gone into kidney failure and had a blood infection and a few other issues. He didn't think she was going to pull through. We wait a couple more hours and she still isn't responsive. Every now & then a loud noise would make her eyes flutter.

My dad and his four sisters all decide that this isn't what she wants (spelled out in her living will) and decide to have the respirator removed (along with some morphine to keep her comfortable) in early evening.

This whole time I'm spotting more & more and feeling very crampy. I tried to lay down in the waiting room.

We all spend more time with her and then all come together for a touching service by the hospital chaplain. Everyone was hugging and sharing stories. Our whole family felt so close & loving - all brought together by my wonderful grandmother. We all stayed with her - touching her and telling her how much we loved her until the end.

She has always been incredibly loving and generous. She even bought a condo for my cousin and his 4 kids to live in when he was going through a rough time - despite the fact that he rebelled against most of her beliefs. She was always so positive and had a big open heart and open mind - despite being a very traditional person. She was very young at heart and always brought out the best in people.

I've never really had any troubles in my life so I never needed more than her big hugs. But now I'm really worried about Fish and hoping that she will watch over him. She knew I was PG but didn't know that we were worried about the baby.

My spotting has continued to increase - but it's brown and clotty (no red at all) so I take that as a good sign that the SCH clearing out. Hopefully that will mean that it's smaller on Monday. Fish still had a heartbeat this morning but it was down to 160 (normally up around 175-180) - hopefully normal fluctuations. And I'm just taking it easy until the services on Saturday. It's nice to lay down again at the hotel - I was getting pretty uncomfortable at the hospital.

Strangely I'm feeling much more hopeful now. Partly because I think my grandmother will help somehow and partly that I've had more time to digest the OB's comments. Maybe she just doesn't have experience with this and that is why she couldn't think of a single similar successful PG. Also since then I've read about a few success stories which are very reassuring.

So I'm off to help pull together a photo slideshow for Saturday.