much belated update

after way way WAY too much time, I finally have an update! (sorry it took so long!) our little girl was born on August 12, 2007 at 11:46pm (8 lbs, 15 ounces * 21 inches)

she is so sweet and I'm completely in love...

Lots of good news today!

The u/s went well - the SCH looks smaller and the baby was measuring almost to date - 12w2d (only off by 1 day). From my untrained eye I'd say it's about 1/3rd smaller. So it's still considered "large" (6cm x 4.5cm at widest part of the transverse view) but the peri could tell that the blood was clotted which is good. So if I continue to spot brown then it will continue to shrink. Yay!

And the peri was not very concerned with miscarrying at this point or even future complications. He has seen similar SCHs before that did not cause long-term issues and was actually shocked that my OB didn't send me over a lot earlier to avoid all of my worries. So big boo to my OB for leaving so many open questions for me. I feel a little bad about doubting him earlier (he was kinda spacy & did fudge the earlier u/s reports though).

I also had my 12w appt and met another OB (you rotate through all of them) - she was very nice & detailed (which I like). We talked about the SCH and depending on that the peri says in his report I might not get another u/s until 20w unless I have more red bleeding or cramping. Which I'm actually OK with at this point - maybe a little less info will be good for a while. We also listened to the heartbeat. I tried to act very excited even though we listen to it almost every day. :)

Other good news - the NT results came back great - our risks for Downs and Trisomy 18 were 1:6000 and 1:10000 so that is a huge relief. Unless something comes back wacky in the screening for neural tube defects (at 16w) then we're probably done with prenatal testing. A big relief since I didn't want to poke around in my placenta or ute.

So I'm just filled with a HUGE sense of relief. Phew. Hopefully the rest of this PG will be boring & uneventful.

difficult week

This week has been tough but I am hoping we're going to pull through.

We went to our NT scan on Monday and saw Fish squirming around and looking like a real little baby. He was measuring exactly to date - cool. Since I only had minimal spotting at this point I had assumed that the SCH had gone away. So I asked the doctor at the radiology center if he could still see the remnants of my SCH and he immediately (without zooming in anywhere) said yes. OK...guess it's obvious. He said that because of the shape (crescent) he wouldn't really be able to measure it accurately and in this scenario he typically just would classify it as S-M-L and mine would be an XL. Apparently about 60% of the gestational sac had separated from the uterine wall and that area was filled with blood. It looked like a sac within a sac. Apparently it was so interesting that he had a few people take a look - thanks. Since I thought it was much much smaller last time he also went back to look at my previous u/s and said it was about the same size. And he deferred to my OB for all of my questions. At this point I'm thinking it's not too bad so I'll wait to call the next day so she has a chance to see the u/s report. Went home and checked doppler again. Phew.

On Tuesday morning - at the lovely hour of 6am - I get a call from my dad. My grandmom is in the hospital and isn't doing well - she chose to go on respirator to help with a couple lung issues that she was having. But no need to come up to NJ to see her at that point, but we might need to at some point. OK.

Later in the day I get a call back from the OB and she wants me to see the MFM specialist on Thursday so he can take a look and give his opinion. I asked her if it sounded large to her and she said it is definitely very large and she really can't tell me what is going to happen. They've seen lots of small SCHs and most of them resolve, but she just can't comment on mine. (her whole tone was very negative & annoying) I ask if in the past she's ever seen a positive outcome with such a large SCH. She gave me the run around and then said to wait to talk to the MFM. I ask if it's OK if we need to head up to NJ to see my grandmother and she said that if we have to go that I would need to go to the ER if I started bleeding again. OK - fine.

Another call from my dad - come up to see my grandmother. Ack! So I have to postpone the next u/s to Monday assuming we'd be back in town by then.

By this point I was getting very upset about my grandmother and the OB's comments. When I get home to pack I realize that I've started spotting more (brown). My whole body felt wound up. So I laid down for a bit and got some puppy love. Deep breaths.

We drive up to NJ that night and head over to the hospital after checking into a hotel. My grandmother can't speak because of the respirator but she's alert and acknowledges that we were there. She teared up a bit when we walked in and we spent some time sitting with her. She looked very bloated from the meds and was visibly uncomfortable - apparently hadn't slept in a couple days.

A couple hours later (~1am) the nurse offers to give a mild sedative so she could get some rest. At that point she desperately looked like she needed some rest - and with a squeeze of her hand she confirmed that she wanted the meds. Given that she was going to sleep for the next 4-5 hours we decided to head back to the hotel and get some rest ourselves.

We call in for an update (there was a huge crowd there at all times) and find out that she still hasn't completely woken up and doesn't seen to be very aware. We head over in time to hear the doctor's take on things. She has gone into kidney failure and had a blood infection and a few other issues. He didn't think she was going to pull through. We wait a couple more hours and she still isn't responsive. Every now & then a loud noise would make her eyes flutter.

My dad and his four sisters all decide that this isn't what she wants (spelled out in her living will) and decide to have the respirator removed (along with some morphine to keep her comfortable) in early evening.

This whole time I'm spotting more & more and feeling very crampy. I tried to lay down in the waiting room.

We all spend more time with her and then all come together for a touching service by the hospital chaplain. Everyone was hugging and sharing stories. Our whole family felt so close & loving - all brought together by my wonderful grandmother. We all stayed with her - touching her and telling her how much we loved her until the end.

She has always been incredibly loving and generous. She even bought a condo for my cousin and his 4 kids to live in when he was going through a rough time - despite the fact that he rebelled against most of her beliefs. She was always so positive and had a big open heart and open mind - despite being a very traditional person. She was very young at heart and always brought out the best in people.

I've never really had any troubles in my life so I never needed more than her big hugs. But now I'm really worried about Fish and hoping that she will watch over him. She knew I was PG but didn't know that we were worried about the baby.

My spotting has continued to increase - but it's brown and clotty (no red at all) so I take that as a good sign that the SCH clearing out. Hopefully that will mean that it's smaller on Monday. Fish still had a heartbeat this morning but it was down to 160 (normally up around 175-180) - hopefully normal fluctuations. And I'm just taking it easy until the services on Saturday. It's nice to lay down again at the hotel - I was getting pretty uncomfortable at the hospital.

Strangely I'm feeling much more hopeful now. Partly because I think my grandmother will help somehow and partly that I've had more time to digest the OB's comments. Maybe she just doesn't have experience with this and that is why she couldn't think of a single similar successful PG. Also since then I've read about a few success stories which are very reassuring.

So I'm off to help pull together a photo slideshow for Saturday.

life back to normal (?)

Where to begin. I've been a bad blogger and haven't posted any recent updates. Here was my update that I was going to post last week:

Life is back to normal.

The bleeding/cramping tapered off earlier this week and now I'm barely spotting. So I'm hoping that the SCH has healed. We will get another peek at it on Monday when we go back to the same radiology center for our nuchal translucency scan. I feel much more comfortable seeing them for this scan than the MFM doctor who seemed all doped up. I don't need any measurements to be off for this one.

The doppler (from Dynamic Dopplers) has been a HUGE confidence booster. I listen for Fish almost every morning and it's always such a relief to know that he's still there. I might even donate the rest of my meds to a friend in the next week or two - how's that for confidence.

Aside from having to squeeze my bloated self into work clothes (ugh) I've been feeling pretty good. And is it really possible that my home scale is 15 lbs off from the doctor's scale? Yikes! Better calibrate that again. But I'm eating a lot less now so hopefully I won't pack on too many pounds too soon.

At first I thought that Fish was a boy. We did ICSI...I had low betas...no major morning sickness. And for whatever reason I always thought we would have a boy. But then Fish's heartrate has been fairly high (170s) so now I'm wondering if Fish is really a girl.

Guess it's not going to be an easy ride

This past week I was starting to feel a lot more confidant in the pregnancy. I said "pregnant" outloud. I ordered a doppler to listen to Fish's heartbeat. I lurked on regular (non-IF) pregnancy boards. I even ordered thank you gifts for both of my REs. I planned to tell another friend this coming weekend when she was in town. I was starting to come up with a list of possible vacation spots for the spring. I smiled a lot. And then I had a very earth-shaking experience yesterday.

(warning - might be TMI)

Right around noon I felt some wetness in my undies - thought it was just a progesterone suppository leaking or something. About ten minutes later I finally made my way to the bathroom to find my undies & pants completely soaked in bright red blood. Yikes! I went into automatic mode - just need to get out of work. So I snuck back to my desk because I didn't want to explain the giant red crotch to anyone at work. I threw on my long coat on to cover up and headed out to my car.

In the car I called my OB's office - they had just closed for lunch so I said it was a medical emergency to get through to someone. The nurse was very calm and got me an appt only 1/2 hour later at radiology place nearby so I headed over there - starting sob as everything was sinking in. As I waited in the waiting room I could feel the blood continuing to soak my pants and I started to feel nauseous. Finally they took me back to change into a gown - blood was running down my legs and dripping onto the floor - seeing it made me feel hopeless about the situation. After everything that we had gone through to get to that point - I didn't know if I could do it again.

The radiologist was super nice and took a general look around first (ovaries, etc). My heart was pounding. Finally he zoomed in on my ute. And I thought I saw a flicker. I did! Turns out that Fish is still alive - heart is beating (165 bpm) and he's measuring exactly to date (9w5d). He was even moving around like a little gummy bear. OMG.

The radiologist brings in the senior doctor and he shows me a subchorionic bleed close to my cervix - outside of the gestational sac. So the baby is fine for now but my OB would probably want to restrict my activity.

My OB only recommended pelvic rest and no heavy lifting - most of the time these will resolve on their own. But some reading on SCHs it sounds like most people are on bedrest. So I put myself on bedrest for the rest of the week.

Today was much better. Bleeding has slowed down a lot and has started to turn brown (good signs). Also my doppler arrived and I was able to find Fish's heartbeat in about 10 minutes - a relief since I know it's early. It was a bit high though - low 180s. Hopefully he's OK. At least I know he's there.

I'm a bit nervous about possible complications in the future - increased risk of m/c, pre-term labor, and placental abruption (relevant study) - but given that the bleed looked relatively small and was close to my cervix (not further up the ute) I'm hoping that things will work out for the best.

But it's was definitely quite the scare. Off to pull out the doppler again...

when to tell

DH and I have been debating on when to tell various people about Fish.

When we had our first BFP there were a slew of people on IF message boards and blogland who knew immediately. Along with a few close people in real life who knew we were cycling.

And then after hearing the heartbeat last week we started to spill the beans to immdiate family and some other people who knew that we were going through IVF but didn't know specifics. I still haven't told my parents yet because I'm not really sure how to bring it up on the phone. "Maggie is going to be a big sister" - will they just think that we're adopting another dog? Need to work on that one. I did just tell another groups of friends today - it was very touching.

I'm assuming that we will want to tell more people after our nuchal translucency test in early Feb (~12w). We should also hear the heartbeat via doppler at that point. So I think after that we'll start breaking the news to the rest of our families and friends. And might even talk to my boss about it.

So I guess that's our plan to tell people. I'm sure there are a million ways that people handle that.

The OB visit on Monday (8w3d) was completely uneventful - just a brief consult and a PAP smear. The worst part was the scale - which is soooo far off from our home scale - it's scary. Maybe we need a new scale. I knew there wouldn't be an u/s because they only do those on Wednesdays (LOL!). But we did get signed up for the NT scan in about a month.

I am still feeling a mix of nausea and intense hunger - along with exhaustion and bathroom extremes. But I can only handle a small-medium amount of food at a time - I had a larger lunch today and now I can't move. So I end up eating a little bit of food - but it's ALL day long. Fish might have a new name - tapeworm. So I'm going to up my exercise a bit - more walking with Maggie & starting a prenatal yoga DVD. Hopefully that keeps me from ballooning up too much too soon.

One good thing is that work has been very busy ('tis the season for planning/budgeting) so I haven't had a lot of time to dwell on what ifs. And time has gone by much faster.

I'm hoping to stop PIOs soon - waiting for a call back on that one. Mostly because DH will be out of town soon - going to Vegas for a conference. Poor him. :) But I'm hoping that I won't need to ask someone else to do the shots while he's gone - that seems very complicated.

Anyway, it's been nice to re-enter the world again and feel like we're connecting with family and friends again.

7w5d - phew!! (2nd u/s)

Unfortunately work got busy this afternoon after I got back and didn't have time to post an update. Sorry! :(

Fish is alive! (pic) And measuring pretty close to age (7w2-3d vs. 7w5d).  So he has made a little progress in the last two weeks - he was 3-4d behind at our 1st u/s. We saw and heard the heartbeat flicker (so cool) as well but the doc didn't give us the heart rate.  He said everything is fine so I assume/hope it's OK.
 
He doesn't really look like a fish anymore - more like a blob inside a chili pepper.  Unfortunately the dr gave us a copy of a blurry pic - when he was showing us the heartbeat up close it was a very clear image of what was the baby blob and what was the yolk sac. So cool!
 
Does the gestational sac look weird?  It looks like it filled up the whole inside of my ute.  I didn't think to ask at the time, but is that normal? Most other pics that I've seen are nice round sacs.

And it turns out that the doped-up doc is actually the head of maternal-fetal medicine at our hospital! He seemed much better this time! LOL!

So first OB visit will now be on Monday - 8w3d. I'm still in shock!!

7w4d - Happy New Year!

We had such a great weekend. On Saturday we had about 12 people over for a bowl game. I love cooking & baking so I enjoyed all of the prep. And it was fun to hang out until exhaustion took over. I actually snuck upstairs and took a nap for the second half - guess I'm not the best hostess.

And then Sunday we went over to a friend's house and played games all night. No one even noticed that I wasn't drinking. We laughed & laughed (until I cried) and had a great time catching up with friends.

We talked about the future. We started to look up DH's paternity leave (none) to see how vacation we can squeeze in before August. I might have slipped out a few "WHEN blah blah"s instead of "IF blah blah"s.

Over the whole weekend, my queasy/nauseous feelings grew stronger. Cool. I was sucking down saltines & ginger ale like no one's business. Still felt something growing in the ute.

In the wee hours of New Year's Day my DH and I were both moaning about our upset stomachs. He stayed in bed and I had to rush to the bathroom for imminent puking. Sitting up seemed to help my stomach though and I just sat there wondering why I got the raw deal even though I didn't drink. DH should be in there puking since he got a nice buzz earlier. ;)

But that was the last that I have felt bad. Since then (after sleeping 12 hours) I have felt great! No upset stomach at all. No more bloating - I even fit into my work pants again. No more nasal congestion. No twinges in the ute. My cervix is very low and not sensitive (unlike when I had that first u/s my cervix was very sensitive). I almost feel like going for a run. I am energized and haven't felt this good in a long time. Shit.

I *completely* understand that PG symptoms will come and go. However - it would be nice if they didn't all go away at the same time. The very day before our next ultrasound to check on Fish. Ack!

7w - happy to be sick

I've never been so excited to be sick before. Last night I was worthless when I got home from work - overcome by a mix of exhaustion & queasy stomach & overall yuck feeling. Even this morning I'm feeling it again. So I'm taking all of that as a good sign that Fish is still alive & growing. Positive thoughts, right?

And my stomach is feeling extremely bloated. Maybe from my poor food choices? Too much sodium? It's actually ridiculous - even my fat jeans are tight in the waist. And my ute feels like it's up to something right now - not really crampy but something is going on in there.

In other news we're getting ready for the bowl game tomorrow - we'll be hosting a nice little crowd. For some strange reason I'm excited to be social. Excited to have people over to our house. Even though we're still not telling anyone and I'm sure I'll be tired, I'm still feeling ready to rejoin the world!

Off to research creative non-alcoholic drinks!

6w6d - limbo land

What is there to say. I guess I'm in speechless limbo land because I don't quite feel PG yet and there really isn't much to do except to wait between appointments.

So our next u/s will be on Jan 3rd - hopefully we'll see a bean & heartbeat then(7w5d). And if that goes well my first OB appt is the following Monday.

I'm still a little anxious because my initial beta was low (indicator of possible m/c - even later) and at that 1st u/s they had a difficult time measuring embryo at first & when they finally did it was ~4d behind. I'm going with late implanter in my mind for now. Which makes sense because most of my frozen embryos didn't go to blast until day 6. But it all still makes me nervous.

Fortunately I've been feeling some symptoms - definitely reassuring:
- very very tired - 10-12 hours of sleep per day
- greasy skin & hair - gross
- sorta queasy stomach / heartburn and last night was the first time I felt truly hang-head-over-sink nauseous
- sore boobs, but not quite as huge as before
- weird feeling in my ute - I'm optimistically visualizing that it's getting bigger for Fish
- my work pants are getting tight - but I really attribute that to all of the recent holiday food plus stress eating over a couple years of IF

And so we wait.

5w6d

I called the nurse line at my ob/gyn's office to figure out next steps (I seriously doubt they would have ever called me with results). I talked to super super nice nurse so I think I'm going to go back there again - at least to get things started.

Based on doped-up doc's (DUD) report, they are fairly convinced there is no ectopic so no worries there. I also doubt it as well so I'm not going to push it. So next u/s will be with DUD sometime during my 7th week (1st week in January). Hopefully Fish keeps growing and develops a heartbeat by then.

And then my initial ob appt will be on Jan 8th with the certified nurse midwife - who is so so nice & sweet. She does my annual appts and I still like her. BUT I'm starting to shop around for a new practice anyway.

And they did get my beta # back as well -- still doubling appropriately:

14dpo = 11dp3dt = 43 (E2=275 , P4=45)
18dpo = 15dp3dt = 550 (E2=807, P4=56) doubling time=26hrs
21dpo = 18dp3dt = 2128 (E2=942, P4=62) doubling time=37hrs
26dpo = 23dp3dt = 12368 doubling time = 47hrs

Latest beta graph is looking good. PHEW!!!!

5w5d - 1st u/s

OK - that was a freaky afternoon.

DH and I went to see my ob/gyn for our 1st u/s. The ultrasound woman used to work at an IVF center - cool. Sees a sac right away - only one - cool. She says that the u/s machine doesn't measure below 5w so she can't get a measurement. Interesting because I'm theoretically 5w5d. And then she checks out my tubes & ovaries just to make sure everything looks OK. Tubes OK. Ovaries OK. Oh wait - there is something near the ovary that isn't attached, but she can't quite see what it is. 5 minutes later of pressing on my sensitive cervix (ouch!) she still isn't sure what it is. Could be ectopic but without better machine it's hard to say. And the entire time she wouldn't move the display over for me to see - so I didn't get to see anything. Grrrr. She did give eventually us a copy of pic after I asked for it - twice. DH thinks that it looks like a smiling fish. So it's now called Fish.

So I get dressed and we go to talk to the ob/gyn. First she has to go on & on about why it's so horrible that they HAD to do the u/s and my RE didn't do it. I tried to explain that he was up in NYC and this was much easier for us and she said - well they should have kept you up there until they released you. Huh? This was from the woman who did my initial IF workup 2 years ago - thought I'd get some compassion. None. Sounded like she was trying to CYA. Why did you ever agree to do it then? Then she says that she wants a followup u/s with another doctor (a specialist?) and some bloodwork (another hcg) to see "just what they've got on their hands" because they have nooooo idea. Bitch - ask me anything you want to know. Better yet, don't do me any favors - I'll find someone else. But I was very nice (DH was surprised at how nice I was) and went along with all of it. For now.

Then the nurse was trying to draw my blood. My veins still look beat up so she kept wanting to see the other one. Trust me - I've been stuck many many time and I know that this one is way better. And then the other nurse & u/s tech (remember - who used to work at an IVF center) were asking me about my LMP. I should have simply said 11/10 - end of discussion - but I forgot to bring my calendar with me and couldn't remember off the top of my head so I did some calculating out loud. Bad move. They both were 110% convinced that LMP was 14 days prior to transfer - which is fine that they get it wrong - but they had such a bitchy attitude about it and how there was no possible way that I was right about it. Listen, bitches, I've been living & breathing IVF for the past 12 months - cut me a break. At least be nice about it and show a little respect - try not to be rude to me in my face. At least wait until my back is turned.

Anyway, so the other doctor with the better u/s machine was going to be able to squeeze us in that day. Cool. So we go over there (right next door) and wait around until they have a slot open. Very nice u/s machine - flat panel on the wall too. Cool. Eventually he comes in and introduces himself. Both DH and I think he was stoned. Majorly stoned. He checked out Fish with his fancy equipment - very cool! - and measured him at ~5w1-2d. Which is pretty close - maybe because my initial beta was low he's just a late bloomer? Zoomed in and saw a very clear sac & yolk sac. Cool! Then he's done. But.....what about that questionable thing? Oh - I'm sure it was just a cyst - maybe your corpus luteum - because you need that to support the initial part of PG. Ummmm....but I thought my CL gets zapped when my follicles were aspirated (and why I need the PITA PIO shots?). So you're not going to check? Are you feeling any pain? Ummm....no, but isn't that why we are over here? WTF? And I guess no nice pic from your fancy machine? Guess you have to hurry back for another bong hit?

So we just ran out of that building. And seriously doubt that I'll go back there again. We might try my old RE or even that overly expensive RE. And I'm definitely finding a new ob/gyn. My very patient & understanding DH even thought she was a major bitch and that we should switch.

So I guess I'll call my NYC RE tomorrow and give him the news. And since it's hard for me to blog without any visuals, here is a pic of Fish.

22dp3dt - preparing for 1st u/s

I've had a lot of the same feelings as Lola on being on "the other side" of infertility. Disbelief. Guilt.

The good news is that I did stop POAS a few days ago - it started to seem excessive - even to me. I'm sure you'll be glad to not see any more HPTs on here. :)

But on the other hand the next month or two still seem so tentative - there is so much going on right now with the embryo (or should be) that makes this whole experience even more than a miracle that it has been so far. Given that there are so many things that can go wrong I'm trying to keep expectations low. And like Lola, taking things one day at a time.

I'm even going to make a mental cushion just to prepare myself for tomorrow's ultrasound (5w5d - to look for a sac & confirm no ectopic). If for whatever reason things don't work out, I am still be thrilled that we got this far. We have finally seen that elusive second line ("we seek him here - we seek him there - that damn elusive...second line"). It has given so much more hope to future cycles.

So my plan B looks a lot like the one that I did before POAS. I'd probably want to be more aggressive about cycling again - probably FET in NYC - soon to reap the benefits of recently removed endo.

I wonder what it is like for fertile people after a BFP - is it pure joy?

18dp3dt - beta #3

Just got results back from beta #3 - such a relief.

14dpo = 11dp3dt = 43 (E2=275 , P4=45)
18dpo = 15dp3dt = 550 (E2=807, P4=56); doubling time=26hrs
21dpo = 18dp3dt = 2128 (E2=942, P4=62); doubling time=37hrs

overall doubling rate is 29hrs

Each step that we take seems to be so monumental. Next step is ultrasound to check for a sac on Wednesday (5w5d). And then another one in 7w to check for heartbeat. And I can't even begin to think beyond that.

My cold is finally getting a little better - I decided that it wasn't worth it to take any meds at this point since it's so early so I've been working with saline nasal spray & menthol drops & LOTS of tea. Oh and a super spicy bloody mary (virgin of course) at lunch one day was so so nice (thanks M!).

And a pretty graph for the betas:

16dp3dt - Happy Holidays!

We were thinking about sending out a photo holiday card this year - what do you think? should I add in a newsletter in the voice of the embryos? or put a little "I heart NY" t-shirt on them? ;)




Just to keep things simple we're going to go to my ob/gyn for the ultrasound rather than finding another RE. Unfortunately they only do ultrasounds on Wednesdays (LOL!) so that got pushed off until next week - theoretically I will be 5w5d so I'm keeping my expectations low - "is it in the ute?"

Hourly Daily HPT Update:
This morning's internet cheapie looked about the same as yesterday - hopefully there still is some action in there!

***update***

Just heard back from my medical endo. and he wants to up my dose of Levoxyl because my TSH is creeping up. It was 2.3 on Monday and was 0.8 just before we started cycling. I have been feeling a little wacky lately (too hot / too cold) so that might be why. And I've heard being on Estradiol might also affect the thryoid as well.

And my next beta is on Friday.

15dp3dt - beta #2 today + update!

I asked my doctor and he's letting do my next beta today instead of waiting until Friday - phew! I'm not going to hassle the lab company though so I won't be surprised if my results don't get up to NYC until after business hours. So I might not hear until tomorrow.

But I'm feeling much better because my HPTs have been getting much darker. Here are my last three internet cheapies:

11dp3dt - can you even see it anymore?
14dp3dt - finally a nice line
15dp3dt - even darker than yesterday (!)



So I interpret (wishfully) that my hCG is rising. And I'm hoping that today's bloodwork will show that it's doubling nicely. Since my 14dpo beta was 43, I'm hoping that today's bloodwork (18dpo) comes back ~200. I know that the doubling time can take up to 72 hours - putting the low end around 125? It's too early to do math. I'll have to plug it into betabase.info to calculate later. But I'd love a nice big increase.

To help support this thing called hope, I'm going to rationalize the late dark HPT lines and the relatively low 14dpo beta as a late implanter. Most of my frozen embryos didn't become blasts until day-6 - so maybe they're just a bunch of slow pokes. Fashionably late?

*****

Beta was 550 (E2=807; P4=56) so doubling time was only 26.11 hours!!!!! Holy cow!!

And because I have endo they want me to do an early u/s (on Friday!) to confirm that it's not an ectopic. So hopefully we'll see a little black hole in my ute on Friday!!

HOLY COW!!

12dp3dt - thank you

Thank you to everyone for all of your kind thoughts & words. I can't imagine going through all of this without your understanding and advice. And I apologize for being so self-absorbed lately - I'm hoping to get back to some kind of normalcy this week.

On a sadder note, my heart goes out to Lisa - there is absolutely nothing about IF that is fair.

And best wishes to Lola and Mr. & Mrs. Blue Sky with all of their upcoming adventures. Hope that Smarshy has some good news this coming week as well.

Today I'm feeling better about all of this. I had a nice clear line on the FRER test in the morning - definitely reassuring because I could even see it in a dimly-lit room. I'll try a digital tomorrow - my levels should hopefully be high enough tomorrow for those. And I did notice on my old FRER tests that I thought were negative that they did dry with a light line. So maybe there was a line there this whole time that I missed earlier (even though I know you shouldn't read them after 10 min).

I'm feeling congested and exhausted - but happy.

11dp3dt - bloodwork results

It took a few phone calls but the local lab did finally send up the bloodwork before my RE's office shut down today. Phew.

Got the call from the RE literally the second I dropped my pants to POAS -- LOL! I don't seem to have my pants on for most of our important conversations so I guess it shouldn't be that weird. It's extra funny to me because he made a joke to me at my lap that after all of my cycles I shouldn't be modest about dropping my pants in front of anyone. So it just made me laugh.

So the results are (for 11dp3dt / 14dpo):
hCG = 43
E2 = 275
P4 = 45

And the plan is to continue with PIO & E2 patches; next beta is in a week, but I might need to call to ask for an earlier one because I'm still concerned with the faint HPTs (and negative FRERs) and fairly low #s (according to Dr. Google - I didn't think to ask about it on the phone).

I'm partially relieved and partially anxious. Ack!

11dp3dt - not real

This just doesn't seem real - at all. My result lines are still very faint - even as of this morning which is my theoretical "first day of expected period". Maybe this was just a test to see if something could implant - and it did. That alone is very reassuring - I was starting to wonder if my ute was a pit of despair that no embryo could survive for more than a few hours. But at least one has survived for this long - which alone seems like great progress.

I am still in shock about the whole thing and don't really know how to react. I thought that if I ever saw another line I'd be jumping up & down with happiness. But I just don't know how to feel or react. I'm not quite happy. I feel like a fraud - like someone is going to realize that it's all just a big joke and turn me in. I guess I've turned into a pro at IVF/IF and I'm really really good at that. I have no clue where to begin if this is happening. I've been avoiding most things related to this for a long time.

Anyway the sketchy, scary lab down here "forgot" to process in my 2nd luteal bloodwork on Wednesday - nice. It just sat in a bin until yesterday when they realized they never sent it over to the lab. Guess that STAT means forget about it. So we'll see if & when the nurses up in NYC get the bloodwork today. I'll try to stay on top of it, but I'm guessing it won't be very early even if everyone does their job.

In the hope that this is real I made an appt with my endocrinologist for next week to check my TSH and also ordered more PIO/needles/syringes - which I could use for a future cycle if I end up not needing it now.

10dp3dt - thank you CVS

DH went out last night to get another brand because I don't 100% trust the internet cheapies and FRER hasn't shown me what I want to see yet. So generic CVS brand is now my friend - it showed a vertical line within a couple of minutes (PHEW!) and I think it's dark enough to see in a photograph now.

So now we just need to get a decent # at our beta tomorrow and maybe it will seem real? Does it ever?